I have a very,very close friend who also homeschools. Her oldest is about 6 months older then my oldest. All of the kids play together on a regular basis- they have since they were infants. My eldest is far from perfect- I know that and I'm working with her. She can be very difficult and is not the greatest of friends- she tends to be bossy and sometimes just plain mean. It's something I'm constantly working on with her and I'm on top of it anytime I see her being mean to another. I don't know what else to do to help her with this. Today, we were over at my friends house. The kids were outside playing and they got cold so they came inside. They were playing inside for at least 10 minutes when my friends eldest came and told us that while they were outside my oldest threw something at him, hit him in the head which caused him to fall of his bike and then she laughed at him. The son went back upstairs and my friend went on a vent about how she wishes her son had better friends and she doesn't want him to grow up thinking that friends can treat him that way. I just listened while biting my tongue. On the drive home, I asked my daughter what happened. Her story was he threw a notebook at her and she thought it was a game and threw it back at him. It accidentally hit him which caused him to step back and trip over the bike and she laughed at him. We talked about how it feels to be laughed at and she volunteered to call her friend back for hurting his feelings. For her, that is a HUGE step to realize how her actions made her friend feel and to volunteer to make amends for it. I allowed her to call her friend back and apologize. We talked about how to handle something like that if should happen again. I then talked to my friend and told her the story that my daughter told me and stated that I don't know which story was the actual truth or if it was some melding of the two stories- maybe her son misunderstood what happened and overreacted (which he has done before and he does tend to be overly sensitive) or maybe my daughter was lying (which she has done before). She repeats what she stated earlier and went on to say that she doesn't trust my daughter because she is not always honest. All of what my friend has said about my daughter is true. We are working on all of it. Why then am I so upset about this? What would you have done differently?
Ok I was reading your whole post thinking the kids in question were a lot older. 6 years old? This is the normal behavioural issues that most parents face. It is hard for kids that age to learn in a social context what is ok and what isn't. They 'get' it more by the time they are eight. I think you maybe upset because you feel you have been trying to get your daughters actions under control and your friend said some some hurtful things. Number one we don't really have control over our children they are individuals with minds of their own and try as we might to guide them in the right directions they can still make poor judgement calls. That's human. Number two your friend went into over protective Mommy mode when she felt her child was threatened. That's also normal. Was she right in venting to you the mother of the other child involved? Well it likely would have been best saved for when she was calmer. But these things happen. Take her words with a grain of salt she was also upset. Perhaps she wasn't only referring to your child but to other instances as well. Afterall you said her son is overly sensitive so it stands to reason she has had more of those situations. Keep up your parenting and know that it will likely get better with age and time.
Oh my. I read this earlier but didn't respond because I thought I didn't have much to input since my children weren't old enough to have these sorts of concerns. Wow. 6. With that in mind, I agree with NorthernMomma.
Did you call your daughter downstairs at the time the boy made the comments? Did you address the accusation immediately as well as in the car, or did you just wait until the car and then bring it up?
I also agree with Northernmomma. They're 6. If they're doing the same things when they're 12, it would be a much different problem. Consistent nurturing/discipline should take care of it -- and they'll both turn out fine. Makes me think of the reading story we had today in CLE 2. It was about two cousins, little girls, who were playing in Grandma's backyard. The slightly older one was not happy as she left to go to her house for lunch, but the younger one was all smiles. Grandma asked each one separately about what they had been playing, and how they played. The older one always got to be the mother when they played "mother and hired girl", and always got to be the nurse when they played "nurse and sick old lady". Still, she was not happy (didn't really realize it but it showed on her face) because she was selfish about always being what she wanted to be. The younger child explained to Grandma that they used to argue all the time, but one has to be "the giver-inner" when they both want to be the same thing, or they wouldn't get to play at all. So she became happy being the giver-inner, and now the girls had lots of fun. The Bible verse for that story is Ephesians 5:21 "Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God", and the lesson goes on to say that while we are taught to always treat others fairly, we should not expect or demand that others always treat us fairly. We should submit to godly authority, certainly, but also to each other.
Someone on the Spot said something that really stuck with me that I had never really thought about before. Six years old really isn't very long for them to have been on the earth and learning lessons. One day they suddenly seem to "get it", and from the sounds of it, your dd is starting to do just that. She could empathize with what the boy felt, which made her feel sorry and then she found a solution on her own to correct the problem she had caused. Bravo, mom!!!!! And way to go, dd for learning these lessons so young!
well the only thing I would of done if it was me was called my dd down when her son was telling the story so she could listen to it in front of his mother and then let her have her say. you will more then likely get the truth all the time... you are doing a wonderful job with your dd letting her know its not right to lie or do things to others. But, I still think she should of had a change to explain herself in front of him and his mother. How do you know he might be lie too. Its normal for that age.
I guess the other thing I would have done, and would continue to do, would be to set out punishments for the behavior. I agree 6 is still young to an extent, but they DO know at this age how to treat others with respect more than we think they do. I would not even allow my almost 4 year old to act this way, and he would be punished if he did. I guess I have zero tolerence for any kind of bullying behavior, no matter what age. Yes, they are still learning, but there should still be consequences for the behavior especially if it is ongoing and consistant. I also would have addressed it immediately, not waited until later. JMO. ETA: Don't beat yourself up! Just posting this shows that you are a thoughtful, concerned, and on the ball type of parent!
Thanks for the feedback- I has helped me put things into perspective better! Normally, I do talk to her right away. Yesterday I didn't because the son didn't seem that upset- more like tattling then hurt and it had happened awhile before he told us. The mother seemed very tense and I felt like bringing her down and continuing the conversation was going to make things worse rather then better.
Just keep up the godd parenting. It will all come out in the wash. Since your friend is having a hard time wit it, give some space & time. When youtry a play date again have the children play within eye shot so you witness these lil things. Keep up the good parenting & don't let it get to you that bad. They are just 6! God bless!
I know you said that bringing your DD down would have made the mom more upset. I just want to say IMO the boy would have stuck to the truth more if he had to face your DD while speaking. Your DD would have done the same. They are the only ones who know the truth, so it would be harder for them to lie in front of each other. This is from my experiences raising my own, and doing childcare. Also, what upsets a 6 year old now will be gone in a half hour. The adults have a harder time with things, lol. I also want to say that your DD needs a small praise reinforcement for having empathy on how her friend felt. That is a huge step in growing up. Maybe the mom needs some space for a little while. Seems it was a little harsh her unloading on you. It sounded in your post as if she has the opinion that her son bears no fault. I would feel as if she had blamed me for what sounds like typical behavior of 6 year olds at play. At that age they haven't learned good coping skills and tend to react at the moment. You don't have blinders on for your DD's behavior and are working on building resposibility in her. Keep up the good work.
I agree that they are just 6, and it is hard to see what really happens when they are away from you. I would let what the mother said roll off my back and just keep reinforcing how people should be treated with you daughter. Sounds like you're doing a good job so far!
