How do you stay in touch with who YOU are?

I had a really bad dream this morning. I dreamt that hubby was cheating on me. I suspected it, and when I confronted him he looked at me in all seriousness and said "Of course I am, always have been, have you ever looked at yourself?, you are not even my type and you definitely aren't worth looking at any more." I woke up very shaken. I don't ever think DH would cheat on me, but of course we all kind of worry about such things. Cheating and physical abuse would probably be the only deal breakers in my marriage, I don't want to lose my marriage because I am happy so I probably worry more than I should.

Anyway, I told hubby when I talked to him at his 9am break, he said that he would never cheat on me, and it's not my hair and eye color that he loves me for, it's for me and how we fit together. It started me thinking. I'm not even sure who I am anymore. When we first got together he loved that I was independent.. I had my own vehicle (a Jeep that I totally loved, that got wrecked right after we got married... he bought me my truck to replace it, so even though it's "mine", I dont feel I worked hard to pay it off... I've been a housewife since right after the accident), I was dedicated to my son (who he gave me oodles of money to fight for, only for me to turn around now and give him back to bio father), and I had a good paying job (which previously mentioned, I quit a few months into being married).

I love my life the way it is, but his response this morning has me in a deep thought of who the heck am I? I don't do very much for me. I enjoy sewing, knitting and crocheting, but I rarely do it. I began a big quilt project in January and haven't touched it in over a month. I haven't picked up a crochet hook or knitting needles in forever. I seem to spend all my time either doing school or looking up school or cleaning up some part of the house (or hanging out online to hide from the mess that is my house).

I'm not who I once was, I kind of miss that person. I used to be fun and silly, now I'm always worried about this or that. I'm not sure how to find the person I was before or if I can.

How do you stay in touch with who you are? Are you the same person you used to be, or have you changed?

 

First...:hugs: I hate those kinds of dreams, they are horrible! I'm glad you were able to talk to DH about that as well!

I too am a different person since being married (8yrs on April 23rd) and having children. I went through HORRIBLE PPD and actually checked myself into the mental hospital for a week when my daughter was 9months old. I've battled depression since then. I was not like that before children and marriage.

I've had to cope and realize that I NEED to take time for myself. I spend a little bit of time, each and every day, doing what *I* enjoy....crocheting, reading, researching Pinterest..lol, drinking coffee and reading my Bible, sitting down and hand writing a note to someone I've lost contact with.

I try to take a bath at least 2 times a week. DH takes care of the kids while I take an hour to myself. Every other week, I get myself out of the house for a few hours. Usually I go to Barnes and Noble...(I love books!)

I've had to force myself to do these things and not feel guilty about it. I read a GREAT blog post today entitled "In Defense of the iPhone Mom". It is about the mom guilt that is spread around these days.

 

I am hurrying out the door right now so I will respond fully later but just know you are not alone. Marriage and kids have changed me too.

 

I do take bubble baths, usually a few times a week, just to hide, but I usually sit there and look up school stuff on my tablet.

Maybe that time should be spent reading something just for me. I started reading the Jean Auel books about the cave people, but they are a slow read for me (I seem to spend forever envisioning their lives), I tend to prefer fast reads. I also love Janet Evanovich's Stephanie Plum books and have not yet read them all even though I have them all.

I also need to learn to pick up my knitting needles or crochet hooks when I'm watching tv or sit at my sewing machine when the kids are playing. I like to feel like I have accomplished something, and sitting her on this computer isn't giving me that feeling for sure.

 

I completely understand that! It is SO easy to let time slip away on the computer. Sometimes I feel that technology is a blessing and other times a curse.

It is hard to remember to do things for us when we have so much to think about that involves the household and the kids.

 

A sewing machine is a pain in the butt to work with unless you have a place to keep it (which I do not!). I really enjoy quilting, but cannot usually find a block of time where it's worth my while getting the machine out. (It has to be on the kitchen table!).

First of all, do you take a Mommy Time each day (or close to it!)? That really DOES help!

Second, it gets better as your kids get older. They aren't as needy and more independent.

Third, is your husband willing to take the kids once every two weeks for an evening? It wouldn't have to cost. A walk in the park, the library.... Or (better yet!) on a Saturday afternoon? To give you time to pursue your own interests. Do the two of you watch TV in the evenings? Then yes, you CAN knit or something during that time! (I recently watched a series three nights in a row simply because I needed to hand-stitch the binding on the quilt I just finished for my dss and his fiance.)

Fourth, what pursuits do you and your husband have in common? One thing DH and I do is read aloud. We both like mysteries, though lately we've been revisiting a Sci-Fi/Fantasy series we had read in the 70's. Is there an evening activity that ALL your children are involved in, where you can drop them off and the two of you go to Starbucks or walking in the park when the weather's nice? Just to spend time together, the two of you.

Fifth, is there a cause you can help with? I'm really enjoying Project Linus!

I have heard a speaker at a homeschool conference talk about the importance of hs'ing moms not neglecting themselves. She said we often spend so much time wrapped up with our kids, that we really have no idea who we are when they move out. We need to say, "HEY! I enjoy this, and I AM going to do it!"

 

I get it, I'm not the same person I was when we got married 10 years ago, But I think that's good, I've grown and matured. Change doesn't have to be a bad thing.

Maybe you are in touch with who you are, but you haven't accepted that you aren't who you once were? It doesn't mean you can't change, do more for yourself, etc. you can. But unless you put your kids in school and get back that great job, you're probably not going to be that person again. And that's okay!

You need to carve out time for yourself and make a no homeschool rule. Instead of looking up homeschool stuff on your tablet during your bath, find a book you want to read, or just relax with some music.

Join a group, find a hobby, and make time for it, cause time for hobbies isn't going to fall into our laps, that for sure! LOL

A, this may sound too simple but for me, I have to set a timer. For everything! I clena for 15 minutes, then 15 minutes on the computer. When that timer goes off, I get up and do something else, the internet isn't going anywhere, it will still be there, open to the same webpage 15 minutes from now. And, those dishes, though they look overwhelming, probably will only take about 15-20 minutes to clean. Then I'm not stressed about the time I take for myself cause my house is clean (for the 5 minutes before the kids mess it up again! LOL)

 

I like the timer idea! 15 minutes wouldn't do much in the sewing department but I could do like 15 cleaning 15 net and 30 craft or reading

I'm going to start exercising again come Monday. I haven't been able to since October when I threw my hip out.. then spent a fortune on a crappy chiropractor that wasn't helping and making me come in 2-3 times a week. I just went last week to a good chiro and though I'm not 100% after one visit I am better and able to move again, so I can go back to my Walk Away the Pounds videos. I feel better mentally more than I do physically when I exercise.. and well then the physical changes start to show and it's even better a mental boost

 

Your machine is BEAUTIFUL!!! My dad has one he has refinished, but I honestly can't imagine using it to actually sew anything. The machine I got in high school broke down and couldn't be fixed (the part that broke isn't being made anymore!) during the middle of my husband's Christmas present quilt!!! Then I read about Project Linus' "Make a Blanket Day" and went. They had door prizes, the grand prize being a brand new Janome sewing mahine. AND GUESS WHO WON IT!!! I do love my new machine!!! And I've been involved with Project Linus ever since. It basically gives hand-made blankets/quilts/afghans to those in difficult situations. Preemies, natural disasters, foster care, those going through chemo.... My neighbor has exchange students who have been going with me, as they need Community Service hours. One is from Gaza, and was quite upset (understandibly) about the attacks there. We were able to give her a blanket to let her know we cared. The blankets can be quilted, knitted, crocheted...whatever. We get a lot of tied fleece. We also have a program where kids decorate squares with fabric markers and they are sewn into quilts. The gal that teaches art to the primary kids at the homeschool co-op is having her kids do that next week. http://projectlinus.org/

 

My "newer" machine is secretly a Janome, it was sold under the Kenmore name in the early 80s. I got it for free when my el cheapo machine took a crap and I asked for one on freecycle. At the time I was making the kids their diapers and I needed a machine that I couldn't afford. The lady said it didn't work but I was welcome to try to fix it. I brought it home and it ran backwards! I was clueless, and the net yielded no answers and I didn't have the money for the repair shop. I finally found the same machine on ebay and it said they had serviced it and it worked perfectly. I knew darn well they wouldn't help me but I messaged him and explained that I had been given the same machine and it ran backwards. The man was amazing, he wrote back and told me step by step what was wrong with the machine and how to tear it all apart and "fix" it, it really just needed oiled to death, it was a few hour long process.. oil and run like the wind, oil and run like the wind... it was kind of discouraging because it didn't seem to be working.. then a ray of sunshine shown in and poof it ran like a swiss watch. I love that machine.. it's a Kenmore Sensor Sew 70, I keep holding out hope it never breaks..lol

I have been working on the Harry Potter Quilt of Doom, but have expanded it, doubling squares to make enough, but changing them up, to fit my queen size bed. It's a very detailed quilt and my first one, so it's kind of slow, in fact when I stopped working on it, I had messed up a square and was very discouraged. I should get back at it I guess. I really want to finish it.

 

Just looked we don't even have a Project Linus chapter around here, which is kind of sad since we have a huge hospital here that has a very busy children's hospital and a very busy NICU and more adult beds than I could even count!

 

15 minutes doesn't seem like long, that is the trick though, you would be amazed what you can do in 5, 10, 15 or 20 minutes.

But, for an example, last week my entire house was a disaster, esp the kitchen. It looked so overwhelming as if it would take forever. Here are 2 shots of a before and after-I cleaned BOTH of these sections of my kitchen (including scrubbing my table with a brush because it has all these lines in...I don't know WHAT I was thinking when I bought that table!!) 20 minutes total-but look at the HUGE difference!



I swear I don't think I could function with timers! I have 2 on my phone, and this one for the kids (which I use for myself sometimes too for my 'fun time' if I need time to save my work of find a stopping point, etc)

This app is a lifesaver for my daily stuff. has a timer and a place for lists...love it.

 

I can clean in 15 to 20 minutes, but crafting never lol Well I could accomplish some knittng or crocheting in that time, but not sewing.. well maybe I could when I make doll clothes (which I love to do) but not working on my quilt

 

Here is the quilt I'm working on, now remember, I have doubled almost all of the squares, actually trippled some, there are originally 30 squares, I have to make 81 of them to make it fit my bed!

 

Haha it's true, time goes by faster when you are doing something fun instead of cleaning.

It's discipline...something I lack, which is why I use a timer....

 

The doll one...? How cute!!!

If you really wanted to, you could make little preemie blankets on your own to give to the hospital. Or if you had friends that were interested, you could meet once a week and work on them together....

When Rachael gets home with her camera, I'll have her post a picture of the wedding quilt I made for dss and his fiance!

 

Josie, have you seen the electronic hall pass? I sure wish I had known of it when my kids were younger, especially Faythe!

I would have both girls sitting at the table working, and then I'd send Faythe off to get something from her room or wherever. So she'd take off, and I'd get working with Rachael. Forty-five minutes later, I'd realize that she never made it back!!! (She's the one I think has ADD tendencies!) So I'd call for her, to find out she got distracted with a book or puzzle or something and forgot unti ljust then.

So this hall pass has two parts. When you send a kid off, you set both parts for x-minutes. You keep the base with you, and send the other part off with the kid. When the time is up, BOTH parts go off. AND they won't stop until both parts are put back together. So the noise reminds the kid of his task, and it reminds YOU that the kid has been gone for more than enough time to complete the task! http://www.teacherstorehouse.com/product2.asp?product_key=63775
(And the device you mentioned is just below it! I've never seen that before! Again, I would have loved it when my kids were youonger!)

 

No, not the doll one, the Harry Potter book shelf one above it!

That hall pass timer is a fabulous idea!

 

I NEED THAT!!! Both my son and I have ADD so we often forget what the other is supposed to be doing.