This coming month will be two years that my mother passed away from cancer. Last year we got together with my dad on the day she passed because we didnt want him to be alone on that anniversary of that day. I had forgotten all about it this year if it wasnt for my sister bringing it up. Dad will be in Colorado during this time and he told my sister he wanted us to get together for that day and have a supper or something. I can't get them to understand I dont want to remember this day at all. Its not something I want on my calendar to remember. My mother passed away a horrible painful death. Most of my sisters were only here for the ending but they werent here to watch her deteriorate for a year as she took cancer treatments. They werent with her as I begged her to eat because she couldnt taste anymore and didnt want to eat. I changed her clothes for her and bath her when she got too weak to do it herself. I went back and forth to both households trying to take care of my family as well as my mom so my dad wouldnt be so tired too. I was emotionally and very exhausted going back and forth. They werent with her when she cried out in pain clutching my hand wanting to die because it was hurting her so much. They saw her when she was drugged up already not really there anymore. Its the most horrible day in my life when the day I lost my mother. I try so hard to forget the last breathes she took struggling to stay alive thinking we were going to take her to the hospital still to have an operation that might cure her. My sisters and dad didnt want to tell her that there was no hope so she died thinking she was going still to hospital for operation that they had canceled (the doctors) I felt so guilty for it but I didnt tell her because my dad told me not too. I am not even sure she would have understood. Its guilt that I have to live with and hopefully forgive myself someday. My sister said I need to think of that day when my mother went to her other home in heaven, thats my problem she said. I feel like I am in some sort of intervention with my sisters. I feel they are pushing me to do this even though I have told them countless times I dont want to be reminded of the date she died I dont want to get together. Why don't we get together for her birthday or mom and dads annivesary instead? They havent offered that instead they want to dwell on this day and right now all it brings is painful sad memorys. My mom is in heaven I know this I know she is not in any more pain. There is not ONE day that goes by that I don't think of her. She is in my mind on most things I do as I go about my day. Sometimes I can still feel her presence near me. My sisters and I talk about her all the time in things we do or the funny things she used to do when we get together. I feel my mom wouldnt want us to remember her "death date" but her life she wouldnt want us to dwell on that day. My family wants to be all mournful on that day every year is seems, thats up to them I dont think its healthy mentally. I want them to just leave me out of it. They are shocked and applaud that I dont want to get together or to remember this day. Am I asking too much to be left alone and not be reminded? I have been tearful all day today after one of my sisters called trying to get me to change my mind. I feel like a horrible sister/daughter for not agreeing however mentally I think I have to do this for myself. Sam
(((hugs))) I don't know how much advice I can give. But I want you to know that I am thinking of you and hope you can feel better. Don't do anything that you don't want to do. It sounds like you are already on an emotional rollercoaster and you don't need to add to it. Take care of yourself, I am sure that is what your mom would want you to do. Remember her life and all the positive things about her.
My mother passed away from cancer in 1997 when my eldest was only 8 months old, heck I was only 22! I STILL have problems dealing with it and do not in any way want to be reminded of the day she died. Just like you, I was there the entire time. I moved home while I was pregnant to help take care of her. Although there was a hospice nurse to help us it was still almost all me. My sisters came in and helped when they had time but they were still not there to do the day-in and day-out care. I firmly believe that you have the right to not celebrate her death if you so choose. Let them know why you feel the way your feel and if they still cannot agree to let you deal with her death the way you want to then ... I am sorry, but you will have to put your foot down. I fear if you let them talk you into it you may end up (far down the road) still having not really dealt with her death and you may have emotional issues later on. (Hopefully not ... but it is a possibility.)
I will be praying for you and I hope your family will understand your feelings and respect them. We all grieve in different ways and are affected in different ways by a loved ones death. While we rejoice in a loved one's release from pain and their journey home to heaven, we still are human and grieve for what we have lost here on this earth. Losing our mothers doesn't feel like a blessing and to some, celebrating that day makes no sense. I lost my daddy years ago and my grandmother who helped raise me. It takes time, but it does get easier. I want say the pain goes away, but that wouldn't be true. It never goes away completely. It does get to where you can stand it. I pray the rest of your family will understand and that you will get some peace. Beth
You guys had such different experiences that your suggestion of gathering on a birthday may be as wrong for them as their suggestion is for you. They may need this specific kind of gathering just as badly as you need to avoid it. I sort of wonder if you guys are looking over a fence from different sides. You had a very intimate experience of her death and want nothing to do with intimacy on that date again while they didn't have any of that intimacy and are looking for ways to experience it. Have they had a chance to talk to you about how they experienced her death? From my experience with my own sister, it's when I let her talk and when I try to understand her position that I often open the way for her to understand mine. I'm not saying they're right and you should go, just that you're trying so hard to make them understand you and they're trying so hard to make you attend that you might not be hearing each other. Barring that I think I might simply stall. "Maybe some day I'll go but for now it's too painful so not this year." It's a bit different then saying no and might help.
After years with my father in bed after having a stroke we decided to celebrate by getting together on his birthday - not his death day.
I am praying for you and your family. Hopefully they will respect you as much as they want to be respected. My step-daughters' mom passed when they were young children. She was killed in an accident. The mom's family calls the girls every year crying as though it just happened. They meet and morn her death together. My oldest daughter finally put her foot down with the family and said enough is enough. She remembers her mom but will not meet on the day she passed anymore. She wants to remember what little she knew of her mom, not her tragic death. Sam, you are right in wanting to celebrate her life.
That's another thing - we NEVER speak of his life in the bed - it was a long drawn out awful way to go IMHO. Especially for someone who loved life the way he did and his mind was still there those years and his body just wouldn't do what he wanted it to. We all (ok there are just 3 of us) bring with us a story of something fun we remember and we meet at a restaurant he loved. We do go away a little sorrowful that he isnt here anymore - but we also remember GOOD things in our lives BECAUSE of him.
I was also there to be with my mom when she died of cancer and a very painful one at that. One of my brothers made it before she died. The other 2 came in after. Since then, none of my brothers or neices or nephews have been to visit my dad or I should say very few times. I say tell your family to spend time with your father and speak of happy times. My father has alzheimers and it is very sad time right now. He has had it for 6/7 years. My brother is laid off and flew home from Nevada to spend the next 2 months with him and help me. Praise the Lord. I will pray for you and hope that your sisters will get together when they can and enjoy life with your father, leave your mother's memory in heaven and go forward. You never know how long you will have your dad. Get together for Father's Day.
(((( )))) I am sorry for your loss. My mom passed away of a slow and agonizing death also which was difficult to watch her suffer. (((( )))) My sis does the same thing to me and I just tell her that I don't want to be sad on the anniversary date of my parent's passing, I want to celebrate their life. My only comfort to you is to celebrate her life on that day, don't mourn her death, celebrate her life and the wonderful memories you have of her. Blessings. (((( ))))
I personally think I would feel about the same way you do about having a yearly morning day. I have never lost a parent, but was there when my husband lost his. I have also watched many folks go through they type of things you have described in terms of the physical aspects. It is very emotionally draining, and physically draining. It certainly not pretty to go through. One thing to consider is that you mother likely knew what was going on even if your father was asking you not to tell her certain things. Think about all of the times when she knew exactly what was going on in the house and what you kids were up to. Pretending that there is hope, and one last operation, could have been a form of stoicism for your sake and the sake of your siblings and your father. It is often a polite game that families play so they do not have to talk about the fact that someone is dying. Sounds like you were there when you needed to be so you have nothing to feel quilty about. Your mother's symptoms were not effected by any information that she did or did not have about operations that were or were not going to happen. If you father insists and if your family seems to really need you to be at a dinner you might consider it, but make it clear that you find it morbid and its the last time. Or if it bothers you too much then just don't do it. It it up to you how you process your grief. Or perhaps you can meet them part way, like: After you guys have lunch I will meet you at the cemetary with some flowers. or have coffe somewhere and chat then visit the cemetary then go back home alone, and don't make a whole day thing. Or tell them you prefer to remenisc alone at such and such a place, but you hope they have a meaningful time at dinner, and you would like to hear any special rememberances that come to them another time. If they are meeting and you are not, perhaps you could put a couple of old pictures together and jot down a couple of things and give it to them to take to dinner when they go. That way you are participating even though not attending. Happy healthy pictures only. I wish you comfort and strength at this time.
Yes sometimes I think she knew but the medicines were making her so confused she didnt even know what day it was. Since the time I wrote this my second older sister has talked to the others to leave me alone about this day. One of them is like me she dosent want to be reminded either. If my father was going to be here again I would have probably make an effort to be with him if he needed me but he is not. One of my good friends told me today that I should be there for my sisters if they need me. I love my sisters but I wont be their crutch that day, they have their own families and other sisters to lean on (I have 5 sisters) emotionally I just can't be there for them to lean on its too much for me. My sister also told my dad too and he said, "He didnt know I felt that way" I need to talk to him personally before he leaves on Tuesday but I havent gotten a chance to see him alone. Time will tell at the end of the month if they honor my wishes or not I really hope they do. Thanks for all the replys it got me thinking a lot and I dont feel so bad now. Y'all are great. Sam
Yes sometimes I think she knew but the medicines were making her so confused she didnt even know what day it was. Since the time I wrote this my second older sister has talked to the others to leave me alone about this day. One of them is like me she dosent want to be reminded either. If my father was going to be here again I would have probably make an effort to be with him if he needed me but he is not. One of my good friends told me today that I should be there for my sisters if they need me. I love my sisters but I wont be their crutch that day, they have their own families and other sisters to lean on (I have 5 sisters) emotionally I just can't be there for them to lean on its too much for me. My sister also told my dad too and he said, "He didnt know I felt that way" I need to talk to him personally before he leaves on Tuesday but I havent gotten a chance to see him alone. Time will tell at the end of the month if they honor my wishes or not I really hope they do if they don't by calling me I will be really disapointed in them. Thanks for all the replys it got me thinking a lot and I dont feel so bad now. Y'all are great. Sam
Turn off your phones and don't take their calls. They are out of line. They are projecting their feelings on you and want you to be there to make them feel better. They want you to fix them, and in the fashion and will they are enforcing on you. You do not owe them. Next time, since even with avoiding them, you will get stuck speaking to them again, tell them, in the more graphic and direct possible, that you were there, they were not, you do not want to relive it, and them showing up at the last second does not count as them being there. Tell them they are projecting their feelings and need to heal on you and they need to get over it and THEY need to see a therapist or something to find out why they must control you in order for them to heal. Tell them you are not responsible for their feelings or their healing so they can just get over themselves. Then tell them to not call again until they can take responsibility for their own feelings and such. Feel free to print out my post and keep it with you do you do not forget a thing on this list. Oh..and add whatever else you want. They are just making me so mad!!! I am so sorry for your loss. You do not need to put up with being responsible for their feelings. Even 12 step programs say that. YOU are NOT responsible for healing THEM! (((hugs)))
We lost my FIL in April 2003 from cancer. Towards the end, he was in so much pain. He did not want us to think of his death but rather his life. He chose to have us remember him in his life with videos he made for us during his last year with us. He filmed hours of film showing my son the place he was born, where he grew up, places that my husband grew up in and more. He left us about 25-30 videos. We never knew he was doing this until he sent them about 2 months before his death. My youngest was not born until 2 years after but I think he knew we planned on having more children and he wanted to leave behind memories of him. I cheerish every one of those videos because my sons know who their Grandpa is. I say "is" because to them he is a part of their lives even if it is on film. They know he is in heaven with their siblings. His gift keeps on giving.... I love him for that... You do not have to do anything on the anniversary of your mother's death. Gathering on the day of her passing and mourning does not celebrate her life. Your family members re-living the day of her passing as an anniversary dinner is not good for them. Using you in this way does not benefit them or you. You have every right to remember your mother the way you want to. Praying for you
I did not read the other responses. However, your post just made me cry. I am so sorry for what happened to your mom and your family. I am also sorry for the pain you still feel. I don't really know what to say. If it were me, I would try my best to explain to them why you don't want to get together and ask their forgiveness for not participaitng but it hurts you too much. I can't imagine them not understanding. You can even tell them that you know they my not understand but to try and understand for your sake. I pray you and your sisters can work this out. I also pray for peace in this situation.
