Right now my DD has a mother that is one religion and a father that is a different one (her father and I are the same religion). My husband said at one time her mom and he agreed to "let her choose." As a result she goes to church with her grandparents on her mom's side once in a while. Her mom does not go to church nor actively practice. We are very active in our religion. We do lots of mission work, we volunteer regularly at our church, we started a local chapter to help bring in morals and values to our city. We volunteer with relief groups when there are major catastrophes. We regularly take courses at our church and go to all the events. Religion is a big part of our lives. I say that since she isn't getting any religious education from her mom's side that we should educate her in our religion. I don't see how a young child is in any position to "choose" anyway. I also think that trying to teach her BOTH religions would be very confusing. It would be like telling a 7 year old "there is only one God and He is Jesus Christ. There are also several other Gods, Ra, Isis, Amun etc." (That's just an example). We are trying to teach her to respect all the religions of the world, and respect the beliefs of others. But I feel you can only follow ONE religion. Anyone have experience raising or being raised between two religions?
I am a step-mom, too. My dss' are in their 20's now. They were 9 and 11 when we were married, and my husband had full-time custody. Speaking from experience, stay out of it. I understand where you're coming from, and actually agree with you that it's not good for the kid. But it's HIS call. You can tell him how you feel, and then you got to let it drop. Don't push it. I know now that there were SO MANY areas I should have stayed out of and let HIM deal with!
I am right there next to Jackie. Been there and done that. When families are blended and the other parent is still involved, it is best to allow them to both be parents and make the choice for the child. After all, even if they aren't in the same house, they are both still the parents. I also think it is confussing for a child to be raised with two religions. At the same time, this is the environment that was ceated for her when two families blended. It is what it is. But I TOTALLY understand where you are coming from. But ultimately the power isn't yours. It rests with the parents, assuming they are both a part of her life and it sounds like they are.
You can teach her all about your religion and include her in things, but you never ever should teach her that your religion is the only one or that she can only be in yours or anything like that. Not only would that seriously hurt her, but it can result in a loss of visitation rights for your husband. It would go under the notion of parental alienation. Here is the thing about it hurting her. My parents started me out in my dad's church he grew up in. They taught that they were the one true church and that everyone else is going to hell. My mom finally got sick enough of it that she started taking me to her church. I was so traumatized by it. I truely felt that everyone I met there and spoke to were going to hell. I didn't want them to speak to me and I was seriously afraid I would go to hell too just for being nice to them. I have such vivid memories of that time as it was so traumatizing to me. Who really benefitted by these teachings of hate? Their church got more money in the long run? Because in the end, people raised in churches who teach that are most likely going to have nothing to do with any church when they grow up rather than find a church that fits them. I am in Texas. That kind of teaching would be viewed by the courts here as using religion to alienate a parent. That is written in to law as terms for terminating visitation and even terminating parental rights. I would never do that for the sake of the child and for the sake of having any sort of relationship with the child. Good luck and I hope you do the right thing. If your church is really that great, she will like it because she likes it, not because she is scared of going to hell for not being there.
The issue of raising a child with two religions...bad idea. The issue of it being your dh's decision and allowing him to handle this as Jackie said....totally agree.
I'm gonna have to agree. I am a step mom as well. Let them handle it. By no means should you hide your religion in any way. I would never do that. And if my step son is at my house on a Sunday we are all going to church. But dont' force anything and let them make the decision of what to actually teach her.
My husband is on board with her starting to take classes at our church and he wants her to start learning about our religion. Since we are doing the homeschool, he has started incorporating some of it in her homeschool. Her mom seems OK with that. BUT at the same time he wants her to learn her mom's religion too. So she can "choose." However, her mom is not doing anything to teach her. Right now there is a lot of confusion. Our religion says one things happens after death, her mom's religion says another. From her grandparents she's getting one answer, from her dad and me she's getting a different one. Her mom gives no answer, not being religious at all and not caring. What should we do? She keeps asking US if her Auntie is in heaven. Since we have different beliefs all we've said is "well, your mom thinks so, what do you think?" and then she's upset because we don't believe in heaven, and if we don't believe in heaven, maybe Auntie is NOT in heaven. I think she wants security knowing there's an answer. Instead we've created a mystery. I'm not sure how to teach two different belief systems. We've been saying "some people believe this, and other people believe this." BUT that's not teaching her the most important part of religion. Having faith. *sigh*
I don't think your sdd is old enough yet to grasp all the differences in religion. I would teach her (or really let your husband lead the way with it... because I agree, it's his thing, but ask him how he wants you to help IF he wants you to) about your religion as you see fit, but also keep it open to her that it is not the only religion out there.... then when she is older I would spend some time teaching her about other religions. I would look for books about world religions, the history of religion etc, most of these kinds of books are going to be way above her head right now, so I say wait on that. We have talked before about the fact that my views don't really match most of the members of this board... I have just begun lining up an over view of religions course for my oldest for next year. If one strikes him, I will help him delve into it as far as he wants to go.
My husband & I have different beliefs, and we are letting our children decide for themselves. I grew up in a non-practicing "we believe in God" family (for lack of a better way of putting it) and was free to choose --- and I'm glad for it. Should you teach her about your religion? Sure --- if mom is in agreement with it --- BUT, I think it should be taught along side other world religions & in the same manner. For example, when my kids ask a question or when something comes up in a lesson that sparks a religious discussion, I tell my kids "Some people are Christians & they believe........" or "Many people in India are Hindu, and they believe....". I don't tell them "You have to believe this one or you go to hell" or "This is the truth right here & all these others are lost souls" or anything like that. Give her a well-rounded & unbiased education in ALL world religions... expose her to as many personally as possible (visit a mosque.... a Buddhist temple.... several different denominations within Christianity, etc), and let her know that you'll love her no matter which (if any) she chooses. On questions like "Is [this person] in heaven?" or "what happens when we die?", answer it with something like "Well, I am Christian... so I believe....." instead of "Yes, she is in heaven." You could follow that up with an explanation of how another religion views death and the after-life. I'd also talk to her mom about all this. Let her know her daughter is asking these types of questions and ask her how she'd like you to approach it. Letting her know her child is at an age where she has developed an interest in learning about religion might open the doors for a good dialogue between mom & daughter on the topic. That's my opinion & how I approach it, anyways. Hope you find a good solution for everyone.
Mm. Here's a quick thought. I grew up with a boy who attended a different denomination than my family. His church required that potential members attend services and learn about other religions before it would confirm them as members. It sounded as if the idea was to get them thinking about differeing belief systems so they would be making an informed decision.
I think Laja said in words what I couldn't get out there (pregnancy brain, darn thing doesn't work much these days).
Thanks Laja, that helps! I'm seeing things differently now. I think part of the issue may bigger than just religion...it may be just growing up between two different households — which is hard! When she was little she lived with her dad. Now they are doing the 50-50 thing and she's half at her mom's. I can see now that she really wants our two households to be "together." She wants us to buy things for her half-sister on her mom's side, she wanted her mom to come to our wedding and her little sister to be in it. It's got to be hard. I talked to my husband and before we get into any religious specifics about our religion with her, we are going to first teach her about religion in general...why we have religion, why different religions exist, and a little about the main ones. My husband decided that we will be responsible for teacher her about our religion...the same way we'd teach her about anything else. Not as "the way it is" but "this is what this religion believes." He says her mom will be fully responsible for teaching her about her religion, should she choose not to, then that's her decision. We made a pact not to make her feel "wrong" if she wants to believe in heaven. She is welcome to practice her religion anywhere and we will not stop her, but we will not participate. If she has questions about the other religion she is to contact her mother. When she gets older, she can choose between the two or pick a new one entirely. Thanks for your points of view! They helped a lot!
