Different childrearing values than those around us

We have rules. That alone sets us apart from most the people around us. To add to it, our rules are strict, but our children accept them and are fine with them. Our children are not allowed to date until they are set enough and old enough to marry and take responsibility for a family. Until then, things must be done in groups only. Even there, at this age, no way should they be done in groups where people are thought of as being with another specific person. My oldest is 14.

SO...my 14 yr old is in public school this year and will be homeschooling after this year. Most the kids at his school date. The behavior is so yucky there. They have cheerleaders with their rear ends practically showing attending school in those outfits. Those are against dress code but allowed for the cheerleaders only. Anyway, my son told me he likes this girl in a few of classes. He said he did not have the courage to ask her out so he figures he is just dumb or such. At this point, I had a talk with him. I told him that he cannot date anyway at this age. I don't care who else is dating, he cannot. I explained very well why not. I also had him watch the Dugger show with me where Josh explains why he has chosen to remain pure despite the fact that 98% of the people out there do not. I think there is so much good in that guy and I feel he really reached my son. I think my son is much happier not having the pressure to date and impress a girl on his shoulders anymore. He seems genuinely relieved that he can be a kid for a few more years.

Problem is...when my brother, who lives near by and whose stepdaughter got pregnant at 15 while living at his house, tells me how wrong I am! I felt my brother was wrong when he allowed his stepdaughter to have her boyfriend in the house with no adult present and when he was allowed in her room with the door closed and when he found condoms in the house and did nothing about it. So what business does my brother have giving any parenting advice?

Meanwhile, we have my sister who is completely in to popularity. She is a public school teacher who feels most academics are a waste. Her just turned 12 yr old has had a cell phone and various boyfriends since she turned 10. She called me Saturday incredibly excited because her daughter has a crush on a boy and she asked him on a date and he finally said yes. She kept saying to me "isn't that exciting?" It was my sister, not my neice, saying this to me. I think it is horrible. I think it teaches bad values and puts undue pressures on children. It forces them to grow up too quickly.

Ironically, my brother is adament against allowing children to work ahead of grade level. He says THAT forces them to grow up too fast. As if being pregnant at 15 is not what causes it.

These people live near me. My children are well aware of our feelings and are excellent at defending things when and if those people say something. I am proud of them. But it is very irritating. I did not say anything to my sister about the dating thing. I am tired of hearing from my brother and have considered pointing out to him that dating at 12 and having sex and getting pregnant by 15 will cause a child to grow up a lot faster than being allowed to do algebra at 12.

 

I need to add that I am particularly worried about the future. I figure it is a matter of time before neice has boy-girl parties of the more mature nature. Also, when and if she gets pregnant. My brother let his stepdaughter bring her boyfriends to family events, how long before that for my 12 yr old neice? His stepdaughter would be holding hands and kissing the boyfriend in front of all of us. How long before I show up for Thanksgiving and find 12 yr old neice on the couch with a boyfriend? uuugghhh.

 

I know the temptation but I doubt it would do anything. You'll just be restrictive AND touchy to him. Not sure if you're just venting or if you want advice but I'd consider telling him that you're tired of hearing it and it's not up for discussion anymore. Change the subject every time he brings it up.

 

I can't say that I agree with your views, but I understand your point of view.

I don't believe in "finding the one" without spending a few years finding who you are in a relationship situation. I don't believe that it is humanly possible, and I very much picture a marriage that resembles something like what an arranged at birth marriage would be when the "couple" gets engaged then courts and marries a short time later.

Now... I began "dating" about 12ish, I was in 6th grade, so what ever age that makes me then. We (my classmates) would have "dates" meet us at school dances. We would spend most of the evening hanging out with our friends, and maybe just maybe dance one song with our date, and possibly visit the refreshment table for a soda and a cookie, then it was back to our friends.

I was allowed to have friends over when my mom was not home... even guys. By 14 I had a steady boyfriend who lived down the road. He came over every day after school, while my mom worked second shift. We would hang out and watch tv.. there were usually several other friends.. both male and felmale in and out of my house all evening. It was no big deal... and there was nothing of a sexual nature happening. My mom was clear that she trusted me to make wise decisions... and that trust was honestly all it took.

I don't think that dating is wrong, I just don't. I think it IS important to make sure your kids know that you trust them to make wise decisions (and what you consider wise), and then allow them some room to breath and grow up.

All that said, in my opinion, they are YOUR children and YOU are responsible for raising them, and it doesnt' matter what others think.

 

I think next time either one brings it up, I will remind them that they really do not want to hear my opinions of how they are or did raise their children (step children) so they better not keep pushing it.

 

That's what I was thinking. I'm not sure where I stand on dating myself. I didn't date until I was an adult but that's because I was a fearful geek rather then any kind of family principles.

Regardless, it doesn't matter. We will do what we decide is best and you will do what you decide is best and you're obviously a thoughtful and loving mom so people that know you should trust your decision. If they can't, no need to discuss your parenting with them at all.

 

This is why I live at least 900 miles away from family members who like to tell me how they think I should raise my children.

Like someone said above, I don't know if you are just venting or asking for advice but I will say this; I would not allow any unwanted advice/comments on my parenting.... period. Not from family or anyone. I would make it VERY clear that things would be very unpleasant the next time anything was said to me on the subject.

Besides, it seems like maybe your brother is jealous of your values and parenting skills and doesn't know how to deal with it other than criticize.

 

I would take the deaf ear approach. It's worked wonders with my family..lol.

I agree with your stance on dating. We have recently come to the same conclusions on how we'll be raising our daughters.

 

I agree with your stance on dating. To me, dating is practicing going from relationship to relationship, practicing "divorce", in a sense. That doesn't mean I think all of you who DO allow it is "wrong". I dated, and I turned out OK. But I also feel that it would have been better for me if I hadn't.

If they bring up the subject, I would simply tell them that you don't tell them how to raise their kids, and they shouldn't be telling you how to raise yours. It's none of their business.

 

Your family needs to be cut off at the pass. Make it clear that it isn't allowed, any of the talk or behavior. If it isn't respected, you have a choice to continue talking to them or not.

As for your ideas about dating, I am right with you. These days dating has become a means of entertainment rather that way to find a spouse. Ems will court when she is ready to marry; as long as she lives in this house. Courting is a great way to weed out who is interested in sex and who is interested in your child. Those who are interested in your child will respect the family values and ideals without question. Those who are interested in getting some will never come around because they can't get it in front of the crowd. LOL

So no matter what your rules are, stick to them and don't leave room for others to talk you down from them.

 

The dating is the biggie. But it is the academics too. They are upset that my daughter is doing 9th grade level stuff. They feel computer time should be unlimited. They feel all kids should have email accounts and parents should "respect their privacy" by never checking it. They feel we have no business watching what they are doing on the internet or with friends or otherwise. I caught my neice going to a porn site when she was 11, close to 12. She was doing it at my parents house. My mother really thinks it was an accident. My sister told me about this site 6 months before and neice knew fullwell about it, so it was not an accident.

So it is the whole picture. But about the dating thing, dh and I both dated in high school and we both lost our virginity then and we both felt all we did was fine. We have changed our minds. We have our reasons and we are in complete agreement on this. We don't feel that "things" are as great as they would have been if we had stayed pure and not collected baggage. We have had a lot of rocky times that would have been better if we had not spent so much time practicing for divorce and such. If we took marriage as a 100% commitment rather than just another date, just another person to have sex with, and so on. But those are our feelings and if someone else feels different, I would never ever sit and tell them, in front of their children, that I object. Maybe I am wrong..so who would I be to assume that I am 100% correct and perfect and tell others that they have to be just like me.

My children are thinking about colleges now, which is a good idea as the oldest is starting high school. I have been criticized for that.

 

Your family sounds a lot like my aunts and uncles. They would tease and make comments because my dad would not allow us to date until we were 16. (To me this is too young. We say 18.) My dad didn't allow us to go over night with anybody but close friends who he felt he could trust. We couldn't spend the night at friend's houses unless the parents were home and my parents talked to them first. We weren't allowed a TV or phone in the bedrooms and we had to complete our chored to earn the right to use the TV and phone. We couldn't be out past a certain time and we were required to call if we were going to be late.

My uncle was the biggest on the comments. My dad had to tell him to keep his comments to himself. His family was his family and it was his responsibility to raise them as he saw fit.

 

Wisdom may be a weak weapon against raging hormones when all other safeguards have been removed. Kids need to know that.

 

They speak rubbish. Do this...:roll: and give them a patronizing smile.

There is terrible pressure on kids to hook up with someone. My 13 year old neice has professed on her webpage her willingness to "die" for her boyfriend because she is "so in love" and he has declared on his webpage that he has "finally found the ONE." FINALLY? He's 14 -- how long could he have been looking? It's out of hand. (Thankfully, her "boyfriend" moved away and this relationship is now very long distance!) I recently read a online discussion and was shocked to see that the majority of posters viewed virginity much the same as a plague after the age of 18. No lie...some posters said that they would NEVER marry a virgin; they wanted someone with "experience". :shock:

As for the academic objects...I repeat...RUBBISH!

Be confident!

 

We are right there with you on the no dating thing! My dh and i watched the duggar wedding and i think it really opened my dh eyes, that yes there are people in this world who still view purity as sacred and keeping your childrens hearts whole as important. It will be very out there when our kids reach this age, bc none of our families are going to understand either, and im sure they will be on the defense, which is why we are starting to think about it now.

I am glad to know at least we arent alone on this board. I have thought of bringing this up a couple times bc it is something the Lord was really laying on my heart, but i was too chicken,lol.

My dh and i both dated through out hs and college, and have tons of regrets. Our dc will not date. After all dating is really looking to find a marriage partner and therefore they will not date until they are ready for that kind of commitment. We havent really ironed out the details on what will be allowed once we feel they are mature enough emotionally for all this, but we have many years to pray on it.

Good luck with your family, it can be so hard when family stick their noses in where they dont belong. I would tell them honestly how you feel, and what wont be tolerated and leave it at that.

 

I can't say I agree with your views either.... but bottom line is: Your kids, your rules.

If those rules work for you --- then great. If they backfire on you --- oh well. Stuff like that happens regardless of whether you're a strict parent or not.

Either way.... we accept the outcomes of ours & our childrens' decisions and deal with them as we come to them.

 

I have the same problem with my sister. Her son is 10 months younger than my oldest DS. And she thinks that both of my boys should be in PS and her main reason for the oldest is the fact that he is missing so much. He is cute and would have lots of GFs!

I'm not sure about the dating thing, but my son is only 13 and my nephew is 12. Now is not the time to be dating.

 

Oh I get the same thing - your kids are so cute, your phone would be ringing steady. Well, that's not what we want. We also go against the flow and they won't be allowed to date for a while. Like our pastor says "dating is a means of finding a partner for marriage" . My children are not yet ready for marriage.

 

I am in between the two views of dating early or not ever dating.

For us it isn't a "rule" that my girls can't date. It is about raising them properly and really having an open line of communication. Not just saying "you can not date because it is wrong" but talking to them about why we feel it is best to not date at a young age and to be really selective when the time does come to date. Let them know what they are worth and just random guys are not worth the time.

I also want them to know it is okay to have feelings for someone - to like someone or think they are cute - I don't ever want them to think that it's a bad thing because it is a perfectly normal thing. I just want them to realize that at say 14 a person is too young to get into a relationship that only adults should have.

Now this is really tragic.................................a friend was over recently to pick up my dd12 for a sleepover with her dd11. We were talking about mutal aquaintances and it came up that this one particular lady we both know was in tears recently because her dd12's boyfriend had broken up with her dd. Yes folks the mother was crying that her daughter's boyfriend broke up with her. She is 12 for crying out loud!!! Now that is just bad parenting!

 

Tiffany, you expressed that very well!

We had an "incident" with my dd12. She went on some youth group activity, and she was sitting next to a boy who was I think 13. I guess he started "coming on" to Faythe (though actually it sounds as if it was just asking about going out sometime, which she told him that her dad wouldn't let THAT happen, and she wouldn't even give him her phone number!), but then he put his arm around her. The adult in the passenger side of the van noticed, AND noticed that Faythe seemed to feel "uncomfortable" with it, so she suggested that Faythe trade seats with another kid, in such a way as not to bring attention to either Faythe OR the boy. She then told me about it later. Her biggest concern was Faythe feeling uncomfortable. Faythe did come to me later on her own and gave me her side of what happened. I told her she did very well, and that any time a guy tried to do something like that, it was OK to tell him that you didn't want him to. She said, "He's nice, but I don't LIKE him that way!!!"