Mistake of venting to husband

[learningnest]

Okay...I am feeling totally frustrated and need advice...

I suppose over the course of this year I have vented my frustrations (not daily, but occasional) to my husband about homeschooling/staying at home etc. etc.

Now his argument is that (and I quote) "if you are so miserable being at home with the kids, then just put them in school and be done with it!!!"

So - do you homeschool moms not have bad days, does your husband listen empathetically, do you vent elsewhere??? Counsel me on a better approach to the frustrations of homeschooling.

I understand that there will always be frustrating days -- even at an outside job....

[kbabe1968]

First...consider your audience... :D LOL

MOST (note not all) Dads have absolutely no clue about what our day to day life looks like. I mean, think about it, when they spend the day with the kids are they cleaning, doing laundry, cooking the meals AND schooling the kids? NO! So they just can't even comprehend it!

I always preface to my husband "I'm not giving up,but I need to vent". In our house, homeschooling is NOT a choice, and I do not have the option of giving up. Let him know that when you have those days, you don't need to hear you have an out, you need his loving support...encouragement for how well they are doing...praise for what he thinks of you as a wife, a mom and a teacher.

The whole "ship em off to school" never enters our vocabulary, we've taken it off the table and neither of us is allowed to say it.

Also, I do most of my venting and questioning/worrying with other homeschool moms - either IRL or here. THEN, if I really need to, I vent to him or ask for another perspective on the situation.

HTH.

[learningnest]

Thanks Krista! Yes, that did help. I just begin to feel I shouldn't have bad days...or that is what his tone of voice implies.

He and I both know that pschool is not an option, but because I vented that I need a break/time away..instead of stepping up and giving me the hour or two I need away he automatically "solves" the problem by putting them in school. Which he knows good and well that I won't do.

Uuuggg...times like this...I wonder about him! LOL

[Lisa]

Seriously... I'm not even sure that my husband even listens to me when I vent:lol:

I think I would just explain to him that you love what you're doing but occasionaly you do have a bad day. Then just try to do more bragging than venting. Husbands tend to want to fix things, so in his mind he probably thinks you want a solution when all you want is someone to listen.

I'm very careful about who I vent about hs'ing to. I pretty much limit it to other hs moms who I know love it as much as I do..... but who also have bad days and can sympathize. Other people usually do have an attitude of 'just don't do it then!' :roll:

[2CalvertKids]

Gosh, are you married to my husband?? If so, you can have him! LOL

I get the same thing. Anytime I get frustrated over curriculum (for instance, tonight I found out that Calvert has pushed back their publishing date for their new math book until the END of August. That will absolutely not work for me. At all!) he says similar things like your dh. I just try to ignore him. He has no idea what the pressure of being responsible for what your child will be learning - his whole EDUCATION - is all about. My dh compares it to his work. HA! What human's future is he responsible for???

[Laja656]

Around here, my husband is the enforcer.

I do what I can... I try all the typical methods to get done what needs to get done... but we all know there are days when it's just not gonna happen!

On those days (after all my attempts have failed) I write down -- and have my oldest write it himself -- anything that they're giving me trouble on (yelling, fighting, not doing their work, not cleaning their room, etc, etc, etc).

When dad gets home, he checks the board & takes care of it from there.

[learningnest]

Rebecca - I have already contemplated giving my dh away!

I really appreciate everyone's response..it makes me feel better to know I'm not the only one with a dh that acts like a pig --- haha LOL.......

No, really - I appreciate the words of wisdom and knowing I am not completely nuts to be offended by his quick fixes...

[AussieMum]

I think there will always be good days and bad days, with anything, and we sure have both around here. So you are not alone.
We are like someone else said, ps is just not an option for us. I think too, we have been hs long enough now that dh can see the benefits of hs, for all of us. But in the early days that certainly wasn't the case....
My dh is great mostly - he is the 'supportive non teaching parent' (his self given title), and also the 'bad substitute teacher' (also self given). He does whatever I ask him too, although mostly his role is supporting me, enforcing discipline with the kids, and helping around the house. No, you can't have him, lol
I guess also remember that it is in man's nature to fix things. In his mind you are telling him your problems so that he can fix them!

[RoadRunner]

Rule #1 Husbands are result oriented and they don't take hints.

:)

Maybe preface your venting with saying, "I have had a bad day today and I need to vent. I still want to homeschool but I just need some encouragement and support from you".

Yeah, I know. :roll: But husbands don't take hints. Most of them, anyway. I am so lucky that my hubby has been a stay at home dad for the past 5 years while I have worked full time, so he knows what it entails to stay home.

[dawninns]

Thanks Krista! Yes, that did help. I just begin to feel I shouldn't have bad days...or that is what his tone of voice implies.

He and I both know that pschool is not an option, but because I vented that I need a break/time away..instead of stepping up and giving me the hour or two I need away he automatically "solves" the problem by putting them in school. Which he knows good and well that I won't do.

Uuuggg...times like this...I wonder about him! LOL

It's extreme reasoning. Seems to be a manly thing. If you say you need help vacuuming they'll decide the only choice is to rip up the carpet. Why do they do this? Because they know that choice is ridiculous and you'll fall back on the other choice - that you do all the vacuuming.

You've simply got to present them with only one option. "I need a few hours alone this week. When can you take the kids away for me?" If they put up a fuss simply answer it with the same question, "When can you take the kids away from me?" I've had to do this with my husband on occasion.

[seekingmyLord]

I am not sure of the situation, but I would suspect that your perspective of the situation and his perspective of the situation are quite different.

My first question is from your husband's perspective how much are you really complaining. You might be surprised that it is more times than you see from your perspective because women, generally, just feel better after they share with someone else, so it may be that you honestly feel that something you say was not even a real complaint just a matter of fact in your daily life and to him it is just one more thing on the pile he sees building up.

My husband told me something when we first met and that bit of wisdom changed my perspective immensely: You cannot change someone else, you can only can yourself. In other words, if you want the situation with your husband to change, you are the one who needs to change and it is much harder than it sounds. For one, we tend to see quite clearly the faults in others and less clearly in ourselves. You know how he is not meeting your needs on this, but do you know how you are not meeting his?

If this came up I would have a heart to heart with my husband, even if he said to put them in school as his vent. We know we both need to support each other about homeschooling and parenting our child.

[kbabe1968]

Yes...you need to approach your husband with the "I need time away, when can you...."

My husband is the kind that he kicks me out of the house b/c he KNOWS after 5 years of homeschooling that I need a break.

Communication is key...as much as we ladies would like them to be, they are NOT mindreaders. And they do hear our dumping and want to fix it instead of listen to it! :D

Hoping for you! Don't scrap the man just because he acts like....welll.....a man! :D

[jill]

My husband had the tendency to say the same thing, but it hasn't happened in awhile.

I've learned that it's best if I just vent to my mom who is super supportive or my best friend who doesn't even homeschool her kids, but is also very supportive- especially about little day to day things.

However, if I have a reoccuring problem over several days, I will fill my husband in, and he will clearly redefine the expectations for my kids.

I think he really appreciates what I do. One of the other posters wrote that men don't understand women's need to "vent". I think that's a valid point.
From a man's perspective he doesn't like to hear the complaints because he wants me to be happy, and if I'm complaining, I'm probably not happy. He just wants me to be happy...and I am. :)

[Jackie]

I would also buy him the book "HELP! I'm married to a homeschool mom!" by Todd Wilson. It is humorous, but filled with SO MUCH insight for guys! And if Todd is EVER speaking at a conference in your area, TAKE your husband!!! (Tie him up if necessary, lol!!!) We've heard him more than once, and Carl gets his weekly e-mails he sends out to hs'ing dads.

I am blessed that I can vent to my husband (once I get his attention, lol!)

But one time quite a while back I vented to a friend/neighbor about some stuff. At the time, Carl was working with her husband doing drywalling on the side, and also coaching girls' softball at his high school, so he wasn't home much. Well, my neighbor didn't realize I was just venting, and spoke her concerns to her husband, who FIRED mine!!! We got it all straightened out, but I DID appreciate that my friend was that concerned about my marriage (even though she didn't need to be!)

[ochumgache]

I think real complaining is counter-productive. If I were to "vent" to my husband, it would only transfer my frustration to him. However, to me complaining and venting must include dramatic statements of exasperation-- statements like "I hate this." "Why do we do this?" "The kids are driving me absolutely crazy?" "You have no idea how hard this is?" etc. I do, however, give a report. I'll say, "Today was really frustrating. Johnny didn't want to do his writing, and I had to send him to his room for his attitude. Sallly had a melt-down over a math problem. They baby wouldn't take his nap and the dog rolled in something nasty." That's a report -- not a complaint. I also report on all the good days. Reports do not leave my husband feeling as if something needs to be fixed -- in fact, it makes him feel more in-control, because he's been up-dated.

[RoadRunner]

That is so true!

[jill]

I think real complaining is counter-productive. If I were to "vent" to my husband, it would only transfer my frustration to him. However, to me complaining and venting must include dramatic statements of exasperation-- statements like "I hate this." "Why do we do this?" "The kids are driving me absolutely crazy?" "You have no idea how hard this is?" etc. I do, however, give a report. I'll say, "Today was really frustrating. Johnny didn't want to do his writing, and I had to send him to his room for his attitude. Sallly had a melt-down over a math problem. They baby wouldn't take his nap and the dog rolled in something nasty." That's a report -- not a complaint. I also report on all the good days. Reports do not leave my husband feeling as if something needs to be fixed -- in fact, it makes him feel more in-control, because he's been up-dated.

Good point. This also reminds me that the kids report to dad about their day at dinner. Sometimes they even "tell" on themselves if it wasn't a good day...he deals with it then, and I don't even have to say anything. :love:

[daddys3chicks]

Well, we haven't started hsing yet, but that was s big thing in the discussions between DH & I. He was worried I would get frustrated and give up.

I told him that I AM going to get frustrated and what I need from him is to listen and give me a break. We'll see if it works....

[aggie01]

I was going to add that my dh is like yours when I whine to him. But it is just because he feels like he doesn't have a magic wand to fix the problem. And that makes him feel helpless, which to a man is not a good place to be. So I don't whine to him anymore. I tell my sister, or on here. I will tell him, sometihng like "Today was not a really good day, but the kids are both still alive so that counts right?" Then he knows it was a tough day ( like the house looking like a tornado moved in doesn't show it enough, and the PB&J for dinner didn't tip him off) but he also knows I will live though it.
We are in a bit of different situation since we are starting a business and dh is working full time. He doesn't have the time to help me or take the kids. So I have to ask my mom or somebody else to watch them. Which I am lucky to have availible. But I guess what I am saying is to just take it on your own to fix your problem then you won't feel so stuck in your situation which should greatly decrease your whining, or venting needs.

[Ava Rose]

I have learned to not vent to my dh as much about bad days. If I am calm and just express I had a frustrating day, he can understand that. Yet, he views home schooling as a choice so if it stresses me out or is too frustrating I can choose not to do it. He doesn't want a frustrated home. lol. I think men are very black and white and simple. His job and frustrate him but he has no choice. My job can frustrate me but he feels I can make a different choice. He is not opposed to either choice I have...he just wants what works. If there is too much complaining, in his mind it is not working.

[becky]

Okay...I am feeling totally frustrated and need advice...

I suppose over the course of this year I have vented my frustrations (not daily, but occasional) to my husband about homeschooling/staying at home etc. etc.

Now his argument is that (and I quote) "if you are so miserable being at home with the kids, then just put them in school and be done with it!!!"

So - do you homeschool moms not have bad days, does your husband listen empathetically, do you vent elsewhere??? Counsel me on a better approach to the frustrations of homeschooling.

I understand that there will always be frustrating days -- even at an outside job....

First- don't get all in a dither. Men are so cut and dried with everything. It's all black and white to them.

You told him you're frustrated. He heard 'I'm sick of hsing.' He thinks 'That's easy- put the kids in school.'

You really meant 'I had a challenging day and want to hash it out a little.'

See? They don't 'get' just talking about things to get it off your chest. And truthfully, they get sick of hearing it after awhile.:roll: Lol- it's a wiring thing. My husband has a bunch of loose wires!!

If I say to him that I'm tired of Jeannie's tantrums over school work, or I'm sick of this, that, and the other, he'll tell me exactly what your husband said. Say.. what does your husband look like?? It could be the same guy!! Lol.

[becky]

First...consider your audience... :D LOL

MOST (note not all) Dads have absolutely no clue about what our day to day life looks like. I mean, think about it, when they spend the day with the kids are they cleaning, doing laundry, cooking the meals AND schooling the kids? NO! So they just can't even comprehend it!

I always preface to my husband "I'm not giving up,but I need to vent". In our house, homeschooling is NOT a choice, and I do not have the option of giving up. Let him know that when you have those days, you don't need to hear you have an out, you need his loving support...encouragement for how well they are doing...praise for what he thinks of you as a wife, a mom and a teacher.

The whole "ship em off to school" never enters our vocabulary, we've taken it off the table and neither of us is allowed to say it.

Also, I do most of my venting and questioning/worrying with other homeschool moms - either IRL or here. THEN, if I really need to, I vent to him or ask for another perspective on the situation.

HTH.

But can we daydream from time to time about shipping them off?? Aren't there boarding schools in Europe??

[becky]

Rule #1 Husbands are result oriented and they don't take hints.

:)

Maybe preface your venting with saying, "I have had a bad day today and I need to vent. I still want to homeschool but I just need some encouragement and support from you".

Yeah, I know. :roll: But husbands don't take hints. Most of them, anyway. I am so lucky that my hubby has been a stay at home dad for the past 5 years while I have worked full time, so he knows what it entails to stay home.

They don't even take hints if you gift wrap 'em!!!

[becky]

There's one thing I don't appreciate on this thread- the use of the words 'whine' and 'complain' to describe what we're doing when we talk to our husbands about what's bothering us as we hs. Our concerns, frustrations, and problems are very real. It's not like we're spewing idle gossip. I think we degrade ourselves to say we 'whine' to our husbands when we have hs troubles. Let's not sell ourselves short like that.

[Jackie]

There's one thing I don't appreciate on this thread- the use of the words 'whine' and 'complain' to describe what we're doing when we talk to our husbands about what's bothering us as we hs. Our concerns, frustrations, and problems are very real. It's not like we're spewing idle gossip. I think we degrade ourselves to say we 'whine' to our husbands when we have hs troubles. Let's not sell ourselves short like that.

Good point, Becky! Sometimes I think we DO whine and complain; other times we're (as someone else said) "reporting". To me, a lot of that depends on our attitude.

When the kids are being bratty, we usually know there's no real "fix". And when I talk with DH about it, I usually don't WANT his quick, easy fixes. I often just want his sympathy. Sometimes I DO want him to suggest he take the kids for the day to give me a break, but that kind of idea has to come from HIM. Sometimes I want him to actually HELP with housework. He also has learned that I don't make a habit of whining or complaining, so when I need to vent, he's a willing listener (as long as I can catch him before he turns on the computer, lol!)

[Deena]

I agree with the sit down talk with dh. If psing is NOT an option, then don't even mention it as a "fix"! My dh and I discussed this many years ago. He is now VERY supportive!

He knows that if he comes home to a messy house he needs to tread carefully! ;)

He asks how my day went and I give him a brief synopsis.

He WANTS me or one of the kids to call him at work if we're having problems in some way.

He sometimes calls in the middle of the day to see how we are doing.

When the kids were younger, he tried to give me a once a week time out.

So my dh is VERY supportive---but we just finished our 10th year of hsing. Although we starte hsing with a year to year idea. By the time we'd done it for about 3 years, we knew there was NO WAY we could ever send the kids to school. After that point my frustrations weere NEVER met with sending them back.

Another thing that helped was when I read "Babywise" and dh and I took the "Growing Kids God's Way" class. Though we didn't agree on everything, it DID help us in a lot of ways! ONe thing we started was couch time---that helped my oldest ds especially. The other was the quiet time every day, so they learn to be by themselves without having to be entertained constantly, and mom and/or dad got a quiet rejuvenating time as well. We started the quiet time before dd was born, so she's grown up with it. Jackie does the quiet time as well! We both feel it's IMPERATIVE, especially for a SAHM who homeschools! That can help give you AND your kids to get a breather and be able to better face the rest of the day!

Best wishes!

*btw, I've done this post in bits and pieces in between interruptions so hopefully it makes sense!*

[Jackie]

Jackie does the quiet time as well! We both feel it's IMPERATIVE, especially for a SAHM who homeschools! That can help give you AND your kids to get a breather and be able to better face the rest of the day!

That's because before Jackie was pregnant with Rachael, she had friends that used the principles BABYWISE was based on. (It wasn't called BABYWISE back then!) I liked what I saw, and felt I needed to check it out. Like Deena, I sure don't agree with everything, but its basic principles have worked for me with three kids!

(That would be Dave and Andrea, and the Scotts, Marylyn! Also Norm and Susan used it!)

[kbabe1968]

Oh YES...we have quiet time in this house too...the 3 y/o naps (okay, she lays in her bed and sings to her dolls). DS and DD play QUIETLY downstairs or read.

I get to sit, have lunch, sometimes I take a power nap, plot, plan, read, whatever.

You NEED quiet time!

[MamaBear]

Chiming in late, haven't read all the posts.................

Placing the kids in ps would be the easy thing to do, you are no quitter!

If you want your dh to take action then be clear that you are just not venting you want him to take some action then explain what action you would like for him to take.

I don't feel expressing ones feelings or frustrations is whining, sometimes we just have to get it off our chest to feel better.

(((( ))))

[TeacherMom]

My dh wants to fix it too! He always offeres to trade me places, says he would love to stay home and home school the kids and all.. but when I allow him to sub , i have to play catch up so I know he knows it is hard to do.
They are built to fix things, I agree with the one who said to let him know up front you are just venting and need encouragement to keep going.
Although I have found venting here at the spot is a great place I get lots of good advice and encouragement from these wonderful wise peoples!
You are correct also in the fact its all frustrating at times, we all go through it and get through it to the other side and have another AHA! moment as they say.

When I get that frustrated I usually take myself over to starbucks and have a green tea frape!
I have even taken a lap top or a book before!
I know that is not always possible but once dh is home maybe you can take a step out and ahve an ice tea on the porch or something>

Just remember that men are wired differently and want to fix things all the time. We often just need a good ear and someone to say "good job! You can do it!' I told my dh that before and now I get more encouragement, especially when I begrudingly choose the cheaper curriculuim and he says OH no, you need to get what will work with them!
That is encouragement to me!

Be straight with him and tell him when you need ecouragement.

[MonkeyMamma]

The best piece of advice you've been given so far is to be specific when venting to him. I loved Dawn's comment about ripping up the carpet! That is how guys are. Tell him very specifically that you just need a break for a couple of hours and ask him what works for him. Then take that time and go away!!! Get your nails done or go have coffee or whatever you like.

Thankfully my husband will calmly listen when I vent. Ps isn't an option. He listens to me complain about how nuts and wild the kids were that day, says he is sorry I had to deal with it and gives me a hug. He also gives me any away time I need. But I am specific!

[RoadRunner]

We had to train our son for quiet time when we got him (he was 5 at the time) and the way we did it was turning off the TV. No TV unless we watch a movie together. Then we had him sit down and draw. He couldn't even hold a crayon back then but we made him have quiet time in his room even when he complained about it and little by little his imagination grew and he started managing to play on his own. Legos helped A LOT too. He just had really short attention span from the ADHD and from being babysat by videos from he was a baby.

Sometimes we still have to tell him that mommy and daddy are not his toys... :)

[MamaBear]

The best piece of advice you've been given so far is to be specific when venting to him. I loved Dawn's comment about ripping up the carpet! That is how guys are. Tell him very specifically that you just need a break for a couple of hours and ask him what works for him. Then take that time and go away!!! Get your nails done or go have coffee or whatever you like.

Thankfully my husband will calmly listen when I vent. Ps isn't an option. He listens to me complain about how nuts and wild the kids were that day, says he is sorry I had to deal with it and gives me a hug. He also gives me any away time I need. But I am specific!

I am so specific that I say, :love:"I am venting, so now is the time to be quiet. I don't need answers, I don't need for you to fix anything, I just need to vent, I need for you to listen and I need to get this off my chest". :love:

[RoadRunner]

There you go, MamaBear!

[TeacherMom]

Mamabear that is what we hve to do, I do that with dh now too tell him ahead I am just venting so.... bla bla bla all that I Say hehe
He gives me encouragement, reminds me of stuff I enjoy about it but does not try o fix it much anymore in that area when I remindhim I am just venting.

[MamaBear]

Mamabear that is what we hve to do, I do that with dh now too tell him ahead I am just venting so.... bla bla bla all that I Say hehe
He gives me encouragement, reminds me of stuff I enjoy about it but does not try o fix it much anymore in that area when I remindhim I am just venting.

See, it works! :love:

:love:And..................it keeps them from saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. LOL :love:
My dh calls that, "Saying something stupid". LOL

[TeacherMom]

yes! thats a good pooint too!

[Jackie]

My husband has actually asked me if I wanted a fix, or just sympathy. The smart ones learn over time!

[MamaBear]

My husband has actually asked me if I wanted a fix, or just sympathy. The smart ones learn over time!

ROFL!

[TeacherMom]

Mine has doen that too , not with homeschooling but over Ladies Ministry stuff! hah!

[MonkeyMamma]

See, it works! :love:

:love:And..................it keeps them from saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. LOL :love:
My dh calls that, "Saying something stupid". LOL


Oh gosh don't they always seem to say the last darn thing you want to hear?!?!:roll: Men and women are so painfully different!

[learningnest]

Sorry it took me so long to respond! What great advice I received from everyone! I had to pick myself off the floor on a couple of those! ROFL!!

This is why God instructed us to seek counsel from those wiser than us! I really appreciate your sincerity.

I suppose I never directly ASK for time away...I always hint or complain that I need a break. And I would probably say that it is whining....

So, I will have to try to be very direct - and specifically ask for time. Also I will have to curtail my frustration with staying home and vent to my girlfriends instead...or just learn to look more positively at things.

[MamaBear]

Sorry it took me so long to respond! What great advice I received from everyone! I had to pick myself off the floor on a couple of those! ROFL!!

This is why God instructed us to seek counsel from those wiser than us! I really appreciate your sincerity.

I suppose I never directly ASK for time away...I always hint or complain that I need a break. And I would probably say that it is whining....

So, I will have to try to be very direct - and specifically ask for time. Also I will have to curtail my frustration with staying home and vent to my girlfriends instead...or just learn to look more positively at things.


Perfect! (((())))

I would always tell my dh, "When you come home from work you get to shift gears". I do the same thing every day, day after day and there isn't any shifting gears for me. It's the same, I'm not complaining but when baby vomit is the highlight of your day, ya gotta find something else that floats your boat, even for just half an hour".

[becky]

Perfect! (((())))

I would always tell my dh, "When you come home from work you get to shift gears". I do the same thing every day, day after day and there isn't any shifting gears for me. It's the same, I'm not complaining but when baby vomit is the highlight of your day, ya gotta find something else that floats your boat, even for just half an hour".

I used to tell my husband 'At least you get to punch out.'
Lol- where's MY time card??:wink:

[KrisRV]

Okay...I am feeling totally frustrated and need advice...

I suppose over the course of this year I have vented my frustrations (not daily, but occasional) to my husband about homeschooling/staying at home etc. etc.

Now his argument is that (and I quote) "if you are so miserable being at home with the kids, then just put them in school and be done with it!!!"

So - do you homeschool moms not have bad days, does your husband listen empathetically, do you vent elsewhere??? Counsel me on a better approach to the frustrations of homeschooling.

I understand that there will always be frustrating days -- even at an outside job....



Well my dh has always been very supportive and understands everything. He knows when you work and do something all the time it gets to a person.
Girl take a nice bubble bath and do like Jackie always says make sure you have mommy time every day.
Hay PM where do you live in south Texas? Need to meet for tea?

[vantage]

Men are just wired to want to solve problems to make the folks in their care happy.

Something like you having frustrations with homeschoolilng are very complex and out side of their ability to solve so you tend to get the all out extreme "solution".

Figure out what it is that is bothering you or making the days difficult and ask for what you need.

When I get frustrated with homeschooling and the isolation I feel at times, I take class to a public place where I feel less isolated.

We take school to McD's, the library, a bookstore coffee shop, park, or another place. Doing this and cramming a little at night so we can have a girls day out will help.

A few times I have taken a little money and gone to a cooking class, or a concert or stuff like that with other adults and it has helped disolve some of the frustrations as well.

Just think the send them to school answer was his second pick. What he likely heard was that you are having trouble being female, but he so cannot say then become a man. :wink: