View Full Version : teenagers and ***
05-23-2004, 07:47 PM
We had a sermon today at church that reminded me that I need to discuss "the facts of life" more formally with my DD (soon to be 10). Has anyone used Dr. Dobson's "Preparing for Adolescence"? I heard a program once where he suggested the mother take the daughter out for a weekend someplace, and go through the tapes, and have fun in between them. Dads do the same with the sons. I noticed the library has the book AND his tapes. Has anyone tried this?
Our pastor recited some rather disturbing statistics. He was talking about how kids' emotional involvement often exceeds their maturity level. He said that 91% of kids that date at age 12 have *** before graduation :eek: . Dating at 13 drops it to 56%, 53% for age 14, 40% for age 15, and 20% for age 16.
05-23-2004, 08:22 PM
I've heard all that, too. My question is, where are the parents, that the freedom is available? Maybe I lived a fortunate life, but I don't remember being allowed into situations where behavior could get out of hand, and when I put myself in a situation because I was young and stupid, I simply wanted no part of the repercussions(?)
To me, parents trust too much sometimes.
05-23-2004, 09:48 PM
Jackie...I have never heard of that book or tape! I gather they are just talking about the actual process/act, or is it about dating, marriage,etc.?
The statistics are frightening! I'm glad to know dh and I are not the only ones struggling with this. In a way, we don't want to take away ds innocence, which I know would happen when we told him.
Truthfully, he could care less, so we think anyway!mmmmmmm.
We talked about this a month ago and had decided the best time to do this was to present it the same way we do the other subjects of history,science and math, just part of learning!
DH did not have a christian upbringing, so he battles with the idea of *how to present it*. He doesn't want a lot of emphasis on it. He's afraid that may draw too much attention to it. On the other hand, we want them to realize the sacredness and importance in God's eyes. Ok....here's the balancing act!
So after our discussion, i think we have pretty well decided to inroduce it now since we have started out unit on the human body. Dh thinks the unit lends it self well to study that subject right along with our body. He is so afraid of them have a distorted view much like he had received from his peers growing up. If we talk about it right now, it can be seen as a natural process instituted by God.
I'll probably be somewhat sad after we explain to them. Right now, I have a girlfriend whose little girl has never been in ps either, and ya'll know my oldest only went for a short time. So everytime they see each other, they hug (like me and my girlfriend do) because they are so glad to see other. Then when she leaves our house, ds kisses her on the cheek *good bye* like he does his brothers. ;)
So girlfriend and I were talking about it and decided we better tell them, so they won't be embarrassed if it they do that out in public. Sad, but the facts of life!
05-24-2004, 07:16 AM
I notice the "s-word" was censored in my previous post. It never occured to me that it would be taboo, but that's OK!
Anyway, I'm NOT in a hurry with DD. She's not shown any signs yet, and I'd rather wait until she did. HOWEVER her "best friend" goes to ps, and both girls are just now finishing up fourth grade. Fifth grade is where they learn things "more formally" in the PS, and while I'm sure (or rather I hope!) the information is accurate, I don't want this child to come and discuss it with with DD without her having heard it first from ME. I've just never really had it pushed out in front as it was yesterday.
As far as "where's the parent?", that's it in a nutshell! Parents aren't around. Either they're uncaring, or they have their heads in the clouds, or they "think its cute". Their kids tell them that "Everyone Else" is dating, so why not me? You know, my best friend was adopted and had met her birth-mom. This lady was single, living with her daughter that had just turned 18. Mom had just come back from a trip from Las Vegas with her boyfriend. The daughter complained about how fun that sounded. The mom's response was "Your boyfriend (over 30 :eek: ) has a place in Tahoe; why don't you get him to take you up there?" Can you imagine!!!
I will be calling Focus on the Family today and talk with them. I may ask if they have the tape about taking your child away for a weekend and order it.
05-24-2004, 10:35 AM
I don't know any parents that allow their children to date as pre-teens and young teens (12-14).
As for the s-word being censored. It is a good idea as forums can be spammed with unwanted posts on the topic. It also permits those with parent controls on to view this website.
05-24-2004, 01:35 PM
I have my eyes closed and my hands over my ears! Lalalalal..
That said, we will soon be working our way through this issue too. I've a soon to be ten year old, dd and seven year old son. This is a door I'm not looking forward to opening.
Anyone have any advice, experience or words of wisdom to share?
Tina, like you my dh is more scientific in his approach. Will you be including your yonger one(s) in the lessons? I'm not sure how we would handle it here as my two are close together in age. They have friends who are far more worldly than they are. I definately don't want them learning this from them.
Jackie, if you use the book or tapes let us know what you think of them.
05-24-2004, 11:13 PM
We have been answering questions as they come up for the last three years. We keep the answers acurate but general. If a more specific answer is needed then we will give it. The thing with my nine year old is that he has been doing indepth study about the human body since he was four so he has always known exactly how babies are conceived. Since he was six however, he started to understand the emotional side more and started scattering questions. Despite this interest and quest for knowledge he does not have any advanced or early desires to "date" or have a girlfriend. Believe me, in some schools here they are sooo advanced that by age nine there is kissing in the bushes going on and not so innocent kissing at that.
05-24-2004, 11:27 PM
DH and I discussed it further tonight. We have decided that, since the library has tapes, we will listen to them together in a few weeks while the girls are at camp. Then we can decide if I want to sit down with Rachael and the tapes, or do something different. Tammy, I'll let you know what I think of them.
I agree that answering questions as they come up is best, but sometimes the questions never really come up! Though my four-year-old was asking how the baby got OUT of the mother's tummy the other day.... I answered that pretty straight forward, explaining that it stretches. My middle one, who IS familiar with the "proper" name of the body parts in question, said, "You mean out your pee-hole." Not exactly how I would have put it, but essentially correct. Sigh.....
05-24-2004, 11:31 PM
One thing we DO TELL the boys is that dating/courtship is not for FUN! It has a purpose, and its not to hurt peoples' feelings. That purpose is with marriage in view! Of course the boys don't really know what a date is. But they do understand boyfriend/girlfriend behavior somewhat.
A good thing in our favor is that most our close friends are hsers too. They have not been ps, and thus *educated beyond their years* in the subject:rolleyes:
However, my girlfriend does not have the same scenario. She is like the only hser in her congregation and the rest go to ps. Her little girl was around them when second graders were talking about it, and the girls were kissing each other YEP!!! I have no words to express how she feels now. Her little girl knows something is not right. The good thing is her litte girl (same age as them) already said she does not want to be around them PERIOD. The mother didn't have to tell her, she had her inherent sense of right and wrong working on her.
Tammy, I will probably include my younger one in the conversation because I will not start out getting real specific. However, when ds#1 and I are alone, I will address it again just to see if he wants more details. Actually dh wants to do that too. The answers I give will have to suffice for then while the younger of the two is with us, OR I HOPE:eek: Last year, we had this come up about babies, they wanted to know more how they got out instead of how they got there! PHEW!!! LOL
My mother use to be a midwife, she has really good books! The pictures show the mother having the baby, with the father catching it, and older brothers/sisters looking on. The next picture shows the children holding the baby, while mom/day pray,etc. It was sooo beautiful, and so much more than I could of said.
So I will discuss some of the actual process/act, but generally. Then stop and let them ask questions. If no questions, then I know thats enough for their age now. Then more next year!
05-24-2004, 11:51 PM
Here's something to curl your hair- on our news tonight was a story about a father who found a notebook his daughter had been keeping of who all she had *** with, where, and who all was there. Groups of teens were there. I wonder if she's the same girl who I read about last week or so, who kept a record of thirty guys she had *** with. Thank God for my Mom, and for the lessons I learned from my sister, who became a mom way too soon.
05-25-2004, 02:26 AM
actually it is not essentially correct that babies exit out out "pee hole". I hope you set that straight with your daughter! I actually know a woman who continued to think this, even as an adult!
05-25-2004, 08:26 AM
Yes, Michelle, but for right now she equates that general area with bathrooming rather than babies, so I figured we can get more specific later. On my wedding night, I got all panicky because I had a diaphram in and wasn't sure if I could use the bathroom with it in, LOL! Fortunately, there was a friend close by I could ask!
Becky, AMEN to THAT!!! My mom's the greatest, and so's my dad! DH is like him in all the good ways, too!
Tina, when I was expecting Faythe, my midwife had a WONDERFUL "lift the flap" book. Rachael wasn't quite two at the time, and this book was SUCH a help! It had a mommy at each trimester, in her underwear, and you could lift a flap on her tummy to see the baby inside. She saw it one day, and about a week later was sitting on my lap, and Faythe gave her a BIG STRONG KICK!!! Shoulda seen her eyes!!! I told her that the baby was saying hello to its big sister.... Then with Phillip, we had just come from the midwife where the girls heard his hearbeat for the first time. They turned on the TV and Reading Rainbow was on, and showing about a baby being born. VERY well done! The timing couldn't have been more perfect for us!
05-29-2004, 02:36 PM
Oh my, this is a topic that hits home. I have a dd that just turned 11 and we had, what I call, a beginner chat last summer. We got pretty far into too, I was surprised. We used a book called,"The way you are changing", by Jane Graver. It's good but I wouldn't say excellent. We just read the book and talked until she felt uncomfortable. Since we got really far in the book, I didn't push her to continue on.
I think the child needs to feel comfortable in order to absorb what your saying. We do need to discuss it again this summer I know. Even though I felt this book was good, I would definately be interested to know what you find out on this. I am a fan of Dr. Dobson so I suspect that it will be a good program.
my prayers are with you,(you'll need them:) )
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